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Hi guys, how are you doing? And long time no see.

Now, I am almost about to graduate. 

Speaking of myself for a little bitl, I just finished my thesis and oral defense, so all I have to do is revise my thesis based on feedbacks that my academic advisors gave me and final exams for other elective courses, Advanced Micro Economics (Learning game theory there) and Global Justice and International Ethics.

My academic life sounds okay, but frankly speaking my life in itself turned to be soooo heartaching and depressing.

I will just write what I feel here publicly because I surely get crazy if I keep my emotions inside of myself like I have done so far.

It was simply about relationship with the one I really really really love, respect and am proud of.

I would not share the detail due to issue of her privacy, but roughly speaking I broke up with her after two years long-distance relationship. 

We came from different part of the world, lived in very far away, but somehow we were enchanted and attracted to each other.

Simply put, the reasons for breakup was that we had different values and conflicting personalities and we could not face to each other when we had some issues, out of afraid that if either brings up it there, we would fight and cannot forgive, or it might bother the other, because both are basically very tied up with academic life and other stuff like part-time. And everything including those things and daily chatting is done online, which is very difficult not to grow apart. 

I always wish if it wasn't long-distance. Long-distance makes it harder for one to see the other. And it is also difficult because all we could do was simply chatting throguh SNS. Usually a couple would do things like going out, hanging out, going shopping, staying at home, watching movies and eating together. Very very part of normal life.

But if it were long-distance, nothing above can be done. Instead, we stay at home and just talk to phone. 

I think I am not so talkative, or at least I am not someone who makes ppl laugh just by talking. Many friends say I am funny when doing something together.

This is not an excuse, (or yeah you surely can say it is) but I always hoped that what if I close to her, or at least she was in the same country.

Anyway, we put a period to our relationship. I still love her from the bottom of my heart.

Ever since our relationship came to an end, I always have had difficultiing in eating, sleeping and even breathing. My chest ahes like a hell. 

This is very cliche, but I felt it is very true that what is very important for me is only recognized after I lost it. 

People get used to something new, exciting, enjoylable if it lasts for a long time. People take it for granted. 

Having said that, you should not forget to appreciate  others because you owe who you are today to others, or more specifically your most important person.

Why did not I say I love you to her more than I could. Why did not I make a call to her to share small stories with her. Why did not I ask her if everything is okay or not on daily basis.

I was stupid. I felt like this lasts forever because I loved her so much. But could not show that through my action. I felt like I wanted to focus on my thesis and prioritize it over her. Even when we were together, I could not love her enough.

Everything is too late after it passes. 

I am tempted to see her SNS, and felt depressed. And felt like vomitting.

I even want to delete all of our precious memories like we do on pc. Because every piece of all of memories was increadibly sweet and heartwarming, but now it gets so heartaching and destructive to me.

I feel so crazy. I am always hungry, but cannot eat at all during daytime. 

I am so sleepy, but I cannot sleep at all because I cry a lot during night.

Every single minite is something intolerable. 
She is already gone. She never comes back. She took new step for better life.

I am not supposed to have expectation anymore. But cannot help but to have it, because I cannot think at all about my life without her, that means I uncounciously overdepended on her without knowing.

My scar will not heal for a long time, I do not know, lost confidence. 

I tried to determine to be better person and live strongly so she would not worry about me and focus on living her own life, but how can I do that. Tell me someone.

I do not know if this act of writing heals me or not, but at least it is far better than doing nothing and being depressed.

Today, at class my professor said to me during class. "You looked empty. You had something with your girl?"  I did not tell anything beforehand. He just read my face. Because I geuss my face looks so tired, and one can see a tear left its train on my face.

I do know at all what to do. No second chance. 

I just wanted to be a better for her. 

All of my friends came up to me and tried to cheer me up, sing a song, play a guitar and even cry together. Some even took my phone call at midnight.

I really really felt fortune to have such nice friends.

But still, I love her. 

Maybe for now, what matters is not whether she loves me or she is gone and so forth. My feeling to her matters. 

I just need to face my weakness as I used to do. ( I changed a lot because of her after we met and I am very appreciated for her)

And just need to challenge something new.

And grow as a person. Be better person.

I do these not for myself, but for my feeling to her. 

I will hang in there even if  she never comes back, because I still want to keep this emotion to her. I do not want to decieve myself just by falling in love with someone.

When I had talked on the phone for the last time, I should've told her how amazing she is, how much I am proud of her, how considerate she is and how thankful I am to her.

I changed myself, I grew as a man, and most importantly, it was best two years in my 22 years of life. (Someone might say you are too young or ignorant, but doesn't matter)

She is just too perfect for me, even some imperfection is made to be perfect for me. 

Thank you, and I love you. 

And I hope I could cherish this memory oneday.

Life full of fun and interest

Hello. I'm Daisuke and fourth year from this April.
This is my first time to post something in English, so let me briefly introduce myself.

Roughly speaking about myself, I like to get into abstract thinking like philosophical stuff and where are we heading into in general（although I don't read Kant or Descartes, neither in sociology and history lol） I also love to express my feeling in some means like hiphop. Of course seeing it is fun too like movies, rap and so on.
And this is partially reason I express myself in blog because I wanted to do some output from my daily life.
(Nowadays many of my friends post blog and its link on Facebook and that could be inspiration)

Today, I will talk about importance of having fun.

Two months ago, I got job offer from late stage startup which deals with AI, machine learning (technique and algorithm to make artificial intelligence) and makes software to tackle with business issues.
I am not from computer science background so I study everyday topics such as linear algebra, integral and derivative and statistics as well as programming and machine learning.
Since I am a beginner to those feilds, at first it requires me some patience until I understand each chapter, concepts and I try to overcome it by making it habit to study at setted time in advance.

As I go through it, I come to find it interesting.
But in most of time, it is cycle of "I don't really get it! Why does it work this way!" and " I got itttttttt!!!!!!"
I see my spring break as time for foundation.
Since I am liberal arts major, I don't get involved in mathematics for university level.
And what I am doing is now is exactly math equivalent to first year students as far as math is concerned.

Studying on your own is sometimes difficult because it is all up to you after all. You don't have friends to study with. You don't have teachers except for Google. You are not in community where conversation for math is common.

I often think that I am in stage of making foundation.
But that is sort of different thinking from that of specialists after I found someone's tweet.

When I was browsing tweet about machine learning, I happened to see one post from a man working as a data scientist at very famous company.

According to him, everyone tries to start with very basics and most of them give up before moving to real parts of what they want to do or what they might find very interesting and exciting.

He mentioned that integral and calucuras isn't main part for machine learning and learning them isn't so fun without understanding how it is applied. And if we first jump into what you want to do, you will find it very difficult and cant understand at all, but at the same time, you might find it interesting because it is full of mystery.
Starting with fun. It's everything. And here fun means understanding how it works and how it is applied behind main parts.

So in some studies, it's bettee to base everything on how we apply it

If you have image of output, your input accelerates.
If you can learn basics with understanding of how it will be used, you will find basics interesting.

Pretty much makes sense.

It's the matter of how we find something interesting and work on it with positive attitude.

I will go to work! Enjoy this moment as much as you can. With full of positive energy! Bye:)